tender mercies

Raising a newborn has been a fluctuating combination of joy, love, worry, exhaustion, frustration and laughter, to name a few. These are the moments from the last 8 weeks that will stick with me.

I can't tell you how many times I've watched this:

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My 31st birthday was last month, 2 days after Eddie turned one month old. As I fully expected, it got a little lost in the baby shuffle. My friend Casey refused to let it go uncelebrated, though. She's the reason I ended up on the Thursday afternoon of my birthday, sitting on my living room floor, wearing Eddie in his Moby, drinking pinot grigio and eating sushi and red velvet cupcakes. Thanks, buddy.

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Many, many nights since Eddie was born we've been lucky enough to have one of his grandmas or aunts stay up with him and play night nurse, giving us a few precious hours of sleep. Knowing they do it out of complete adoration for Eddie more so than duty towards us makes it even better.

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My friend Becky sent me a card with the words "be gentle with yourself." Nothing anyone has said to me since Eddie was born has made more of an impact. The most wonderful words you could say to a new mom.

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Ed has seemingly endless devotion and patience. I hate to boast so publicly, but my husband is out of this world. He's changed more diapers than I have, is an expert swaddler, knows which is my "fast" side when I'm nursing and can calm and reassure me out of any fit of baby blues. At night he sleeps on the couch with Eddie in his bassinet in between nursing sessions to allow me several hours of QUIET (!!) and uninterrupted sleep. I'm starting to worry he's helping me cheat my way through motherhood. I'm going to have to make Father's Day a quarterly celebration rather than just once a year.

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After a particularly trying day a few weeks ago, we had finally gotten the baby to sleep and were relaxing and watching TV on the couch. Jokingly (mostly), I asked if we'd made the wrong decision. If we should have just stayed childless and traveled and slept and been selfish for the rest of our lives. He looked at me and said, "Terese, this has honestly been the best month of my life. Getting to know Eddie, seeing you with him and having our family around all the time has made me so happy."

Correction, Father's Day will be weekly in our house.

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While getting myself and Eddie ready to go out for a walk the other day, I knocked over a completely full cup of coffee. It spilled all over the wall, the floor, his stroller, my pants and the outside of his open diaper bag. Miraculously, it missed drenching the inside and all its contents.

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Eddie failed his newborn hearing test in the hospital after he was born. The nurses and doctors assured us that this happened often and that there was most likely nothing to be concerned about, but that he would have to be retested at Children's Hospital. And that they were heavily booked so it would take 4-6 weeks until we could get an audiology appointment. So Ed and I spent the next month trying to convince each other that we weren't worried while secretly slamming doors and dropping things to see if they made Eddie startle. We finally went to Children's and he passed the retest. Everything was completely fine. Even so, out of the hundreds and hundreds of photos of my little baby, this one produces the greatest physical reaction. Every time I look at it, it feels like there is a belt tightening around my heart. Then I think of all the other parents and children we saw at the hospital that day battling INFINITELY more serious things and my heart absolutely shatters.

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I was checking out at the grocery store a few days ago and as I pushed the stroller past the young guy who bagged my groceries, he took a peek in at little Eddie. "Wow, I thought he was going to be much older by the way you look." (I think Ed is paying people and planting them all over the city to say these things to me.)

photo a day

I admit that it was quite a relief to complete this past year's 365 project. I majorly underestimated the dedication required to take a photo every day for a year. And since my hands are rather full these days, I've resolved to not commit to anything unless it's urgent or important. So 365 photos are going to take a break around here for the time being.

I can't quit my Instagram addiction, though, so you can still find me posting photos regularly over there. I'm @teresemcd if you're interested!

Eddie's Birth Story - Part III

Eddie's Birth Story - Part I

Eddie's Birth Story - Part II

It was 2:20 pm on Eddie's birth day. I had just gotten my epidural and was resting before it was time to push. There was a calm excitement in our room knowing it would only be a matter of hours before we met our son.

Ed and I had been alone up until that point, but it wasn't long before our family started to show up. My sister, Ellen, Ed's sisters, Sharon and Katie, and Katie's boyfriend, Chris, all joined us in the room to wait and prepare the post-birth celebration.

The only other expected visitors that were missing were my mom and dad. Earlier in the day, immediately after I had given them word that it was go time, they hopped in their car in Cincinnati and began the 4 1/2 hour trek up to Chicago. (My parents had hospital bags packed weeks before I did!) No one anticipated my labor moving so quickly, however, so we were constantly monitoring their progress, hoping they'd arrive before Eddie!

By 5 pm, I was 10 cm dilated and the nurses and doctor were kicking everyone out of our room. A table was set up with delivery tools. The warming bassinet stood waiting in the corner. The nurse gave Ed instructions on how to hold my leg. I brushed my hair and applied lip gloss. It was time to push. In the back of my mind, I felt sad that my parents weren't there. That lasted only a few minutes, though, because just as I geared up to push for the first time, I heard my mom's voice at the door to our room. They had just made it and she was popping in to say hi before joining the rest of our family in the waiting room. Perfect timing!

Now back to the pushing. This part of labor was much harder than I anticipated. It was a lot of work! While I was never in pain, I could feel the sensation of each contraction and the pressure of Eddie making his way down. My doctor initially estimated it would take about an hour before he was born, so I had my mind set on that goal. After that first hour passed, I began feeling like it was taking forever and that he'd never come out. Ed was getting restless and I was exhausted. In between each contraction, I felt famished and like I could fall asleep right there in front of everyone. I felt disappointed and frustrated that I wasn't doing a good enough job. At one point, another nurse came in the room and informed me, "We love your mom. She's at the nurses' desk trying to use buckeyes to bribe us for information on your progress." Seems everyone was tired of waiting and anxious for this baby to come out!

FINALLY, his head appeared and my doctor announced it was full of hair! Unbelievable to us, since we come from a family of very bald babies. In a move that shocked even me, I asked if I could feel his head. The nurse guided my hand around and I touched my baby for the first time. That was incredible motivation and just what I needed.

I pushed on and before I knew it, there was a big, red baby emerging from between my legs right in front of my face. He was wiped down a little and then placed on my chest. Through a veil of tears, I alternated between watching Ed cut the cord and gazing at the tiny, smooshed face poking out of a mass of swaddling blankets. Eddie stared into my eyes with the look of a wise, old man. I don't remember what I said, but there was a lot of babbling through sobs. It was the most overwhelming and surreal experience of my life.

Before leaving, my doctor told me that, unknown to her, Eddie had been in the posterior (face-up) position when he was born. This explained why it took so long to push the little guy out. I later learned that mothers whose babies are in this position are much more likely to need a forceps or vacuum-assisted delivery or even a c-section. Not only did this make me feel pretty tough for pushing him out on my own, but it also made me thankful I didn't know this information beforehand. I'm sure it would have affected my confidence and who knows what the outcome would have been.

What did happen, was that after 2 hours of pushing, Edmund George was born at 7:00 pm, weighing 8 pounds, 0 ounces and measuring 21 inches long*.

Our family flooded into the room to welcome and toast him with champagne.

Much of my memory of this time is faded and hazy, but I do remember looking around that room and thinking how lucky our little boy was to come into the world surrounded by all these people. Ed summed it up perfectly when he whispered into Eddie's ear, "You have no idea how much you are loved."

And dads, don't let anyone tell you that having a baby isn't exhausting for you, too!

*The fact that his birth stats were such nice whole numbers was not lost on anyone. He was already playing to his anal neat and organized parents!

Thanks to Eddie's Aunt Kate for documenting the day!

365 Project - Week 52

February 15 - How many photos of her sleeping baby is a mom allowed to take?

February 16 - Just one more?

February 17 - Sure, they're more "strolling" shoes than "running" shoes these days, but it still feels good to put them on.

February 18 - Happy 1st Birthday, Cousin Liam!

February 19 - In the past month, I've taken a handful of photos that I know will be lifetime favorites.

February 20 - Good to know

February 21 - One month old. Too much partying.

February 22 - Sweet boy

DONE!

My 365 Project is complete.

I can't tell you how many days I wanted to quit.

But I'm glad I stuck with it, because now I have such a unique record of the last year.

See all the photos here.

Eddie's Birth Story - Part II

Eddie's Birth Story - Part I

At 12:30 pm, we left our apartment and headed to the hospital. Since we were only 4 blocks away, we walked. As we made our way down the street, I wondered if anyone had any clue what we were doing. Maybe the fact that Ed was carrying my pillow and I was carrying a Boppy gave us away? Or maybe the grimaces on my face did. Because in the few minutes it took us to get to our destination, I had several contractions.

Within a few minutes of arriving at the hospital, things stopped being fun. As we checked into triage, I was no longer comfortable sitting in a chair. I remember reading that when you move from early labor to active labor, your focus turns inward, you're no longer talkative and become less aware of things going on around you. I can confirm that's exactly how I was feeling at this point and my memory of what happened next is pretty hazy. I could sense Ed and the triage nurse around me, but was no longer able to interact with them normally.

I was examined by the nurse and she determined I was 3.5 cm dilated. On a scale of 1-10, my pain was about a 4 and I declined an epidural, feeling like I could wait it out a little longer. Ed and I laugh about this now, because the nurse left and within minutes, I started to lose it. The contractions were suddenly so strong with very little rest in between. For what felt like forever, I paced the tiny triage room, stopping only to sit on the toilet or lean over the garbage can feeling nauseous. My declarations of "I don't like this" and "I don't want to do this anymore" quickly turned to "Fuck it. I want the epidural." I commanded Ed to go find our nurse and tell her to have the anesthesiologist waiting for me in my labor and delivery room. I was out of control.

By the time we got into the L&D room, I was moaning and squirming all over the bed. My eyes were clenched shut most of the time, but I could sense Ed next to me, pacing and trying to coach me through breathing. The nurse told me anesthesia was backed up and it would be a bit before I could get the epidural. I was near tears, saying I couldn't handle another contraction on my own. I irrationally told anyone who would listen that I would give them cupcakes (?!) if they could help me and asked Ed if he would pay someone to make this go faster. "Is that the anesthesiologist??" I asked about anyone who walked into the room wearing scrubs.

Finally, he arrived and I could have kissed him. Ed was kicked out of the room and they sat me on the edge of the bed. After several minutes, I had the numbing shot in my back and then the catheter was inserted. I instantly felt tingling down my legs and by the time the doctor finished everything back there, I was a new woman - calm, relaxed, sleepy and happy. Ed returned to find his demonic laboring wife back to her old self, smiling and joking with the doctor and nurse. I don't think I've ever seen him more relieved.

It was 2:20 pm and we had been at the hospital for about 1 1/2 hours. The nurse checked my cervix and saw that I had dilated from 3.5 cm to 7 cm in that time. Our little guy was certainly earning his nickname "Fast Eddie!" I was advised by everyone to take a nap because it wouldn't be too long before I was ready to push...

Eddie's Birth Story - Part I

I have a confession. While I was pregnant, I devoured women's birth stories. They are so emotional and powerful and give a glimpse into an experience that can't be fully comprehended until you're in it yourself.

(Some of my favorites are here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.)

I now humbly add mine to the bunch...

(unknowingly taking my last belly shot)

I awoke the morning of Eddie's birth after a rough night of sleep. Although Ed and I had an early and busy Saturday planned - full of final pre-baby errands - I knew I needed to stay in bed and rest a bit longer. In an attempt to revise our schedule for the day, we decided Ed would go the gym first and then we'd head out.

That's how I found myself alone when it all began.

Ed hadn't been out the door for 15 minutes before I made my way into the living room and then felt compelled to do a little stretching and pushups. (Strange, I know. And I'd probably leave that detail out if Ed didn't insist on including it every time he told the story.) So there I was watching Barefoot Contessa on TV and doing pregnant pushups in my undies.

A few minutes later, at about 9:00 am, I stood up and instantly felt a gush between my legs. Oh, I wish I could have seen my face. Because in that moment there was no doubt in my mind what was happening.

For a few minutes, I debated what to do and chose not to text Ed right away. Not only did I want him to be able to finish his workout, but I was also happy to savor the moment by myself for a bit. I tried to relax in the peace and quiet and wrap my mind around what was about to take place.

It turns out my body had different plans. Relaxing wasn't in the cards. Almost immediately after my water broke, I began having period-like cramps that confirmed I really was going into labor. They steadily grew stronger and by 10:00 am, when I heard Ed's key in the door, I was ready for him to be by my side. My eyes welled up with tears as I announced to him that we'd have to scrap our plans for the day because our baby was coming. He looked stunned for a minute, but quickly jumped into action. "We've got this. We're ready."

So we got moving.

Now, I wasn't armed with a strict birth plan. I planned to deliver in a hospital, hoped for a vaginal birth and figured I'd eventually want an epidural. The one plan I did have was to do as much of the early labor work as possible at home and go as long as I could without pain medication. Since we live only four blocks from our hospital, this seemed reasonable. But with my water broken, my OB had different plans and wanted to monitor the baby. She suggested we arrive at the hospital by 1:00 pm. I was disappointed to have to head in so soon, but didn't know at that point that I wouldn't have made it much longer at home anyway.

Once this plan was in place, the calls and texts to our family and friends began. My sister-in-law started bawling. My mom (who doesn't curse) shouted over the phone from Ohio: "Are you fucking kidding me?!" For the next couple of hours, Ed and I were both talkative, nervous, excited and jittery. Even so, all the buzzing around couldn't mask the fact that my contractions were coming much more intensely and regularly. By the time we had showered and finished packing our bags, I was eager to leave our apartment. I knew my labor was progressing quickly and was feeling more and more uncomfortable.

Finally, at 12:30 pm, we walked out the door for the last time as a family of 2...

365 Project - Week 51

February 8 - One piece of advice for new moms that I've heard a lot is to lower your standards and expectations. So I bought thank you cards from the grocery store.

February 9 - For my first official "bad mom" act, I lost Eddie's footprints. In an attempt to make myself feel better, I picked up a new kit at the hospital and we redid them at home. 3 weeks later.

February 10 - Baby patterns. Bonus if you can find the baby.

February 11 - Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be a baby?

February 12 - Can't wait to be Sharon's bridesmaid!

February 13 - Could you please stop growing up?

February 14 - Happy Valentine's Day!